My heart is full as I find myself at the dawn of a new year, cradling in my arms a brand new life, while my sweet Lulu breathes steadily, slow heavy breaths, napping next to me. It wasn't so long ago that I would have rung in the new year at a party, wearing sparkly heels and toasting champagne, and that side of me isn't long lost, but this year I watched the clock strike midnight in the quiet darkness of my bedroom, nursing a newborn, and couldn't have been more content.
In some ways my life looks nothing like I imagined it would, I'm not sure I ever could have pictured myself the mother of two gorgeous sweet little girls, and yet it still feels perfect, it was meant to be. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am a mother, and that Milani, and now little Berkley, are actually my daughters not just these amazing littles I hang out with. And every time I have this crazy revelation, it has the same enlightening, awe inspiring affect on me. Holy crap...I'm actually a mom! I usually don't feel like a mom, at least not the way I imagined motherhood might feel, and I wonder if I'll always notice this curious little inconsistency. Regardless, I've never been more certain that this is, at least for now, one of the reasons I was put on this earth. I am mom, hear me roar!
Little Berkley's birth story will be written, hopefully before we celebrate her first birthday, but for now I am just enjoying the settling, the nestling back down into the comforting rhythm of our lives as a new family of four. I know it will take some time to really feel rooted and sturdy in our new roles, but we get a little closer to normalcy every day. We've already overcome the bogus "Baby lost too much weight, start supplementing with formula" hurdle, and the "She hasn't pooped in three days" obstacle, and the fog of the first of many sleepless nights with a newborn is lifting ever so slightly. Every day I get a little better at balancing the needs of both my girls, which often times means literally balancing both my girls, one in each arm. And while I'm certain of the strength and depth of my love for both of them, I sometimes feel like I need another me in order for them each to adequately feel my constant love. Another pair of arms to wrap each girl in close to me, to rock both of my girls tightly until their bodies wilt and their breaths slow into slumber. Another me so i can nurse one and cuddle the other, so I can shower them both with kisses. It's so hard to try to be everything to each of my girls all the time, near impossible. Before we know it though, we'll find that we've stumbled upon our groove somewhere along the way without even realizing it; everything will fall into its place.
All this change makes it seem as though Christmas was a lifetime ago, but I don't want it to get passed by completely. Santa was good to Milani, bringing her jumbo Legos, a new baby doll, some books, and a potty chair she is strangely attached to. I'm glad Santa didn't bring her more because she gave up on opening presents after her fourth gift.
And this little angel, reminds me of her sister in so many ways.
So many of her facial expressions and noises take me right back to when Milani was a newborn. Her "baby grinch" face, her fake little impatient cough when she wants milk faster than I can give it to her, her stretchy face. At the same time she is so unique, with her own little endearing quirks. Her "Oh" face, her little cat shaped eyes, and the little raspy hum that accompanies her sleepy breaths.
I used to tell people that Milani was laid back, but little Berkley has her beat. She is so chill, always. I can put her down to help Milani and she doesn't make a peep, Milani never wanted to be put down ever and she let you know it! Berkley can make it through an outfit or diaper change without getting spitting mad and turning purple like her sister used to. And I may be jinxing myself now but she doesn't have a fussy time like Milani did every evening. She is really making the transition from mother of one to mother of two pretty easy on me (knock on wood).
And big sister is making me so proud! She has been so sweet and patient this week, so accepting of her new little sister. She can say Berkley, it comes out "Burkeee". She hops on a chair to help me change diapers and shows great concern anytime Berkley is upset. And she keeps us and herself entertained.
In some ways my life looks nothing like I imagined it would, I'm not sure I ever could have pictured myself the mother of two gorgeous sweet little girls, and yet it still feels perfect, it was meant to be. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am a mother, and that Milani, and now little Berkley, are actually my daughters not just these amazing littles I hang out with. And every time I have this crazy revelation, it has the same enlightening, awe inspiring affect on me. Holy crap...I'm actually a mom! I usually don't feel like a mom, at least not the way I imagined motherhood might feel, and I wonder if I'll always notice this curious little inconsistency. Regardless, I've never been more certain that this is, at least for now, one of the reasons I was put on this earth. I am mom, hear me roar!
Little Berkley's birth story will be written, hopefully before we celebrate her first birthday, but for now I am just enjoying the settling, the nestling back down into the comforting rhythm of our lives as a new family of four. I know it will take some time to really feel rooted and sturdy in our new roles, but we get a little closer to normalcy every day. We've already overcome the bogus "Baby lost too much weight, start supplementing with formula" hurdle, and the "She hasn't pooped in three days" obstacle, and the fog of the first of many sleepless nights with a newborn is lifting ever so slightly. Every day I get a little better at balancing the needs of both my girls, which often times means literally balancing both my girls, one in each arm. And while I'm certain of the strength and depth of my love for both of them, I sometimes feel like I need another me in order for them each to adequately feel my constant love. Another pair of arms to wrap each girl in close to me, to rock both of my girls tightly until their bodies wilt and their breaths slow into slumber. Another me so i can nurse one and cuddle the other, so I can shower them both with kisses. It's so hard to try to be everything to each of my girls all the time, near impossible. Before we know it though, we'll find that we've stumbled upon our groove somewhere along the way without even realizing it; everything will fall into its place.
All this change makes it seem as though Christmas was a lifetime ago, but I don't want it to get passed by completely. Santa was good to Milani, bringing her jumbo Legos, a new baby doll, some books, and a potty chair she is strangely attached to. I'm glad Santa didn't bring her more because she gave up on opening presents after her fourth gift.
And this little angel, reminds me of her sister in so many ways.
So many of her facial expressions and noises take me right back to when Milani was a newborn. Her "baby grinch" face, her fake little impatient cough when she wants milk faster than I can give it to her, her stretchy face. At the same time she is so unique, with her own little endearing quirks. Her "Oh" face, her little cat shaped eyes, and the little raspy hum that accompanies her sleepy breaths.
I used to tell people that Milani was laid back, but little Berkley has her beat. She is so chill, always. I can put her down to help Milani and she doesn't make a peep, Milani never wanted to be put down ever and she let you know it! Berkley can make it through an outfit or diaper change without getting spitting mad and turning purple like her sister used to. And I may be jinxing myself now but she doesn't have a fussy time like Milani did every evening. She is really making the transition from mother of one to mother of two pretty easy on me (knock on wood).
And big sister is making me so proud! She has been so sweet and patient this week, so accepting of her new little sister. She can say Berkley, it comes out "Burkeee". She hops on a chair to help me change diapers and shows great concern anytime Berkley is upset. And she keeps us and herself entertained.
And although I hear that this only ever happens in newborn/toddler fairytale land, I have two sleeping beauties napping at the same time. My pillow is calling my name.