My face must have said it all, although to be honest, I'm not sure whether my face was reading angry, or sad, or bruised. I'm still not sure exactly how I feel, and while it isn't normally my style to vent and complain, and I might delete this entire post by tomorrow, I feel like I need to write this out and process.
"What happened?" he asked as I walked in the door from a quick trip to Wal Mart to grab dog food.
That's right, I had to go to Wal Mart on Black Friday because we were completely out. And so I started to tell him about how I got in the line with my cart filled with 50 lbs of Purina, still wearing the clothes all spattered with the grey paint I was rolling onto the walls of the other house, and how the guy who came up a few moments later, with his bag of apples and potato chips, just kept inching forward. How he finally put his hand on the front of my cart and squared himself into line ahead of me.
Jon interrupted "Oh man, you really need to learn to just say something, I have no problem whatsoever telling people that they're not cutting in front of me." Because Jon knows me well enough, has heard this story enough times, and knows the ending.
"But wait!" I told him "I actually did! I finally, for the first time, said something, stood up for myself! I said to the guy "I'm sorry,, I'm not sure why you're cutting ahead of me but I was waiting in line." Jon was impressed, because if you know me well at all you know that I am a people pleaser. I put everyone else's needs before mine, to a fault. I am the good girl who keeps quiet, and waves everyone out ahead of me. Had he asked to go ahead of me I would likely have said "Sure!" Except today, when I just felt like paying for my dog food and leaving Wal Mart and getting home. And truthfully, I stood in line watching him inch ahead of me while his buddy was giving him weird looks from the back of the line, and I debated in my head "Just let it go, no stand up for yourself for once, no you don't know what battle he's fighting, true but he's not elderly or pregnant or disabled"
Because I, for many years, have lived by that phrase "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you now nothing about." - Wendy Mass. Because I believe in that wholeheartedly. Except that while I've lived that phrase to the best of my ability, I have also, occasionally, died by that phrase. I have also, using kindness as an excuse, occasionally become a doormat and a pushover.
So I stepped forward and started paying for my dog food, and the man must have gestured to the women in line behind me, attempting to step back in line ahead of her, and I heard so very clearly, "Sure, no problem sir, you can go ahead of me, I'm not THAT person." And it feels so stupid to admit that I felt the sting of tears in the back of my eyes. I kept my head down, thanked the cashier for my receipt, and pushed my cart toward the door.
But what I really wanted to do, at least now that I have had the time and hindsight to reflect, although I would have never actually had the nerve to follow through, is ask that women what kind of person, exactly, she was actually referencing?
The kind of person who noticed the elderly lady walking through the automatic doors as I jogged down to where the last four carts were sitting close to the garage doors at the far wall, and pushed one up for her with a smile and a nod, then trotted back down for my own cart? The kind of person who ducked into a side isle with a tip of my head, to let the man on the motorized cart have more room to pass. Is that the kind of person she meant?
Or did she mean a women who stands up for herself? A women who, finally, didn't just stand by and let the guy cut ahead in line? Perhaps she was referring to someone who stands their ground, who feels worthy of taking their turn in line, in taking up space and calling someone else out (politely)? And it feels silly that I'm so wound up over the whole scenario, except that I'm realizing that she put voice to my biggest fear. She said, right out loud, what I had always been afraid of when, in the past, I'd cast my eyes down and do the kind thing and let someone take their place ahead of me in line. The fear that I would be THAT person. A bitch. Unkind. For the love of God, don't let me be THAT person.
If that women felt like letting the guy go ahead of her, from the goodness of her heart, then I'm glad she did. I've done that plenty of times myself, although they wouldn't know. But if she let him go ahead to avoid being THAT person, well then I hope for her, and myself, and anyone else out there who has put others before themselves to a fault, and who has a hard time taking up their due space in this world, and who keeps quiet, and stays small, and makes sure to always be good, that when the day comes when she finally works up the nerve to say, "No, I was in line next" she feels strong, and empowered, and worthy.
End Rant.
"What happened?" he asked as I walked in the door from a quick trip to Wal Mart to grab dog food.
That's right, I had to go to Wal Mart on Black Friday because we were completely out. And so I started to tell him about how I got in the line with my cart filled with 50 lbs of Purina, still wearing the clothes all spattered with the grey paint I was rolling onto the walls of the other house, and how the guy who came up a few moments later, with his bag of apples and potato chips, just kept inching forward. How he finally put his hand on the front of my cart and squared himself into line ahead of me.
Jon interrupted "Oh man, you really need to learn to just say something, I have no problem whatsoever telling people that they're not cutting in front of me." Because Jon knows me well enough, has heard this story enough times, and knows the ending.
"But wait!" I told him "I actually did! I finally, for the first time, said something, stood up for myself! I said to the guy "I'm sorry,, I'm not sure why you're cutting ahead of me but I was waiting in line." Jon was impressed, because if you know me well at all you know that I am a people pleaser. I put everyone else's needs before mine, to a fault. I am the good girl who keeps quiet, and waves everyone out ahead of me. Had he asked to go ahead of me I would likely have said "Sure!" Except today, when I just felt like paying for my dog food and leaving Wal Mart and getting home. And truthfully, I stood in line watching him inch ahead of me while his buddy was giving him weird looks from the back of the line, and I debated in my head "Just let it go, no stand up for yourself for once, no you don't know what battle he's fighting, true but he's not elderly or pregnant or disabled"
Because I, for many years, have lived by that phrase "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you now nothing about." - Wendy Mass. Because I believe in that wholeheartedly. Except that while I've lived that phrase to the best of my ability, I have also, occasionally, died by that phrase. I have also, using kindness as an excuse, occasionally become a doormat and a pushover.
So I stepped forward and started paying for my dog food, and the man must have gestured to the women in line behind me, attempting to step back in line ahead of her, and I heard so very clearly, "Sure, no problem sir, you can go ahead of me, I'm not THAT person." And it feels so stupid to admit that I felt the sting of tears in the back of my eyes. I kept my head down, thanked the cashier for my receipt, and pushed my cart toward the door.
But what I really wanted to do, at least now that I have had the time and hindsight to reflect, although I would have never actually had the nerve to follow through, is ask that women what kind of person, exactly, she was actually referencing?
The kind of person who noticed the elderly lady walking through the automatic doors as I jogged down to where the last four carts were sitting close to the garage doors at the far wall, and pushed one up for her with a smile and a nod, then trotted back down for my own cart? The kind of person who ducked into a side isle with a tip of my head, to let the man on the motorized cart have more room to pass. Is that the kind of person she meant?
Or did she mean a women who stands up for herself? A women who, finally, didn't just stand by and let the guy cut ahead in line? Perhaps she was referring to someone who stands their ground, who feels worthy of taking their turn in line, in taking up space and calling someone else out (politely)? And it feels silly that I'm so wound up over the whole scenario, except that I'm realizing that she put voice to my biggest fear. She said, right out loud, what I had always been afraid of when, in the past, I'd cast my eyes down and do the kind thing and let someone take their place ahead of me in line. The fear that I would be THAT person. A bitch. Unkind. For the love of God, don't let me be THAT person.
If that women felt like letting the guy go ahead of her, from the goodness of her heart, then I'm glad she did. I've done that plenty of times myself, although they wouldn't know. But if she let him go ahead to avoid being THAT person, well then I hope for her, and myself, and anyone else out there who has put others before themselves to a fault, and who has a hard time taking up their due space in this world, and who keeps quiet, and stays small, and makes sure to always be good, that when the day comes when she finally works up the nerve to say, "No, I was in line next" she feels strong, and empowered, and worthy.
End Rant.